[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Check out the legs on this baby
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
we all know this pain all too well
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh