Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?