If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
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[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow