When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
This cat wants you to take your pills
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*