YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.