If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?