Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.