If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 馃憤
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
How to draw a duck
I have never related to anyone more.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It鈥檚 called self-care.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that鈥檚 confidential
me: then how鈥檇 i hear about it
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I鈥檇 get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
You know you鈥檙e married if you鈥檝e ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.