If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he鈥檚 my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that鈥檚 a yes
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 drunk but I鈥檓 having trouble working out if you鈥檙e quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Laughing far too much 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn鈥檛 so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
i鈥檓 having this made into a welcome mat
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.