Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
You Might Also Like
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now