Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
You Might Also Like
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.