God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
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My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
sry
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
What
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.