*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.