your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You Might Also Like
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.