ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water