“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.