After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her