The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I didn’t come here to be called names
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.