Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Cat.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
welp
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.