They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.