My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast