Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
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The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.