Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
This did not end as expected.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.