I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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there has never been a better use of this meme
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what