me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene