justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right