Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Oh yeah that’s it
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.