I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.