So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*seductively eats two tums*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here