Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?