[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Oh the world we live in…
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.