I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[montage of me giving-up]
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve