You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
You Might Also Like
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*