*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
You Might Also Like
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you