Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver