*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
accurate
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.