I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Room with a view.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet