Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious