I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
So the ex texted me
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now