Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.