My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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My dress code is business-casualty.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.