We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum