Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid