I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one