Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
You Might Also Like
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer