me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that