As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Meow
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve