“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage