Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic