me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
went fishing caught a bass
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
also my go-to takeaway order